This Body: from 65lbs to 160lbs and everything in between.

For the past two years or so, I’ve been struggling with my weight. Struggling to gain weight to be exact. Which is what why 16 year old self only dreamed of.

I’ve finally managed to get the scale to hit over 100 pounds. Just this past July 2016, I weighed 60 pounds. I didn’t know if I would ever see beyond that, let alone be alive today.

Speaking of today. Today my 16 year self came out and whined about gaining too much and clothes fitting tighter and insecurities etc. When I went for a check up at Infectious Diseases clinic everybody said I looked healthy and refused my concerns. Basically they told me this is a good thing. They’re not the only ones. My sister whom I see almost everyday tears up looking me up and down. My friend Olivia told me “you have boobs now!” and several others have given me nothing but love. Although one person asked me if I was pregnant.

Which had me none too pleased and questioning my appearance, yet again. Although when I reflect back, I can’t recall a time I was fully pleased with my appearance. With my body to be specific. Don’t get me confused. I love love love my face. It’s gorgeous haha but what comes below it has never satisfied.

Either I’m too fat, too skinny, not enough breasts, too much breasts, irregular butt, where’s the abs at etc.

The thing is though, after everything, I’ve come to appreciate that this body, no matter how little or small it is, has held up and is still fighting.

Through all the health issues, whether it a iron deficiency, or a hiv viral load increase, this body of mine has never quit. Even at times when I emotionally thought it was done. When other people thought it may be time to say goodbye to me soon, this body stayed alive. And for that I am forever grateful.

God – the universe – something or someone has my back, and I don’t know why. All I do know is that the most important factor of my body, is what is going on inside. I almost lost sight of that but I cannot anymore. You can’t let me.

 

2008 – Everbody had their boobs, butts, and curves growing in while I remained flat everywhere.

 

 

2012 – After my mother passed away, food became a distraction, a comfort almost

 

2014 – After my first battle with pneumonia, I lost a lot of weight. I remember panicking the morning of my sister’s wedding because the dress i bought that fit just days prior, was loose. The entire wedding I was dragging it back up. A mess of a maid on honour.

 

2015 – CANFAR photoshoot. I won’t lie, I was feeling myself then. My weight was slowly climbing and I thought I was in the clear. I was wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2016 – there is no caption that can capture my thoughts on this picture.

 

2017 – to be continued.

 

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